When Pain Comes Between You and the One You Love
Intimacy is meant to be a source of connection, comfort, and pleasure. But for those living with chronic pelvic pain, it can feel like the exact opposite -stressful, painful, and even something to avoid altogether. Maybe you've felt it too.You want to feel close to your partner, but the fear of pain makes you pull away.
You avoid intimacy—not because you don’t care, but because you don’t know how to make it feel safe again.
You wonder if this part of your life is over, if you’ll ever feel pleasure without bracing for pain.
And the hardest part? No one talks about this.
If any of this sounds familiar, let me start by saying, you are not broken. You are not alone. And you deserve more than just avoiding pain- you deserve to experience connection and pleasure again.
The good news is, rebuilding intimacy is possible. It starts with understanding why pelvic pain impacts intimacy and learning simple, gentle ways to reconnect with yourself and your partner—without fear. Let me explain.
Why Does Chronic Pelvic Pain Affect Intimacy
Pain isn’t just physical -it affects our emotions, our relationships, and even the way we see ourselves. When pain becomes a part of intimacy, it can create:
- Fear of more pain: If sex or touch has been painful in the past, your brain remembers. Over time, your nervous system can become hyper-alert, anticipating pain before it even happens.
- Avoidance and distance: When pain feels unpredictable, it’s easy to start avoiding intimacy altogether. This can lead to emotional distance between partners, even outside of the bedroom.
- Shame and self-doubt: Many women struggle with guilt, feeling like they’re failing as a partner or that their body is betraying them. This emotional weight can be just as heavy as the physical pain itself.
- Communication breakdowns: When intimacy becomes difficult, couples may stop talking about it out of frustration or discomfort. But silence often leads to misunderstanding and resentment.
If you’ve been experiencing any of these challenges, know this: It’s not your fault, and it’s not the end of your intimacy. Healing is possible, one small step at a time.
How to Rebuild Intimacy Without Fear: Small, Gentle Steps
Healing your relationship with intimacy doesn’t start with forcing yourself through painful experiences -it starts with safety, understanding, and self-compassion. Here’s how to begin:
1. Start with self-compassion ❤️
Your body is not the enemy. The first step in reclaiming intimacy is shifting the way you talk to yourself about your pain. Instead of saying, “my body is broken,* try reframing it to “my body is healing, and I’m learning how to support it.”
- Practice mindfulness by placing a gentle hand over your lower abdomen and repeating, “I am safe. I am healing. My body deserves love.”
- Give yourself permission to redefine intimacy. It’s not just about intercourse -it’s about connection, affection, and trust.
2. Communication is key- even if it feels hard 🗣️
Many women with chronic pain avoid talking about intimacy because they feel guilty or ashamed. But open, honest communication is what allows healing to begin.
- Talk to your partner about your experience. Instead of saying, “I can’t do this anymore,” try, “I want to feel close to you, and I’d love to explore ways that feel good for both of us.”
- Set expectations together. Let your partner know that your goal isn’t to avoid intimacy, but to find safe, enjoyable ways to reconnect without pressure.
- If communication feels difficult, consider working with a sexuality coach who specializes in chronic pain. (Hint: I can help with that!)
3. Explore pain-free forms of intimacy first 💑
Intimacy doesn’t have to mean penetration -especially if that’s painful for you. Start with small, pain-free ways to reconnect, such as:
- Sensate focus: A gentle touch exercise where partners explore non-sexual touch in a pressure-free way.
- Massage and skin-to-skin contact: Gentle, mindful touch can help retrain your nervous system to feel safe instead of tense.
- Holding hands, cuddling, or sharing a bath: Rebuilding intimacy starts with rebuilding trust in your body and your relationship.
- Guided meditation or breathwork together: Connecting through relaxation helps calm your nervous system and strengthen emotional closeness.
4. Consider pelvic floor therapy or alternative pain management:
If pain is limiting your ability to enjoy intimacy, it’s worth exploring treatment options that can help.
- Pelvic floor physical therapy: A trained therapist can help release tight muscles, improve blood flow, and teach you techniques to reduce pain.
- Clinical hypnotherapy for pain: This can help rewire your brain’s response to pain, reducing fear and tension. ( I can help with this)
- Vaginal dilators or other tools: Some women find relief using medical-grade dilators to gently retrain their muscles over time.
5. Take the pressure off and go at your own pace 🕊️Rebuilding intimacy is not a race. You don’t have to “fix” everything overnight. Give yourself permission to move at a pace that feels right for you.
- Focus on pleasure, not performance. What feels good? What brings you joy?
- Celebrate small wins. A moment of closeness, a meaningful conversation, a shift in mindset—these are victories.
- Be patient with yourself. Healing is a journey, and every step forward matters.
You Don’t Have to Do This Alone
Intimacy after chronic pain is possible. You are not broken. You are worthy of connection, pleasure, and a body that feels like home.
If this post resonated with you and you’re ready to take the next step in reclaiming your confidence, connection, and pleasure, I invite you to schedule a FREE wellness consultation call with me.
Together, we’ll talk about where you are, where you want to be, and the best next steps for breaking free from the pain cycle and rebuilding intimacy in a way that feels safe and empowering.
Click here to book your free consultation now. You deserve this. 💜
***Feminine products I recommend
To relax your muscles and dial up sensation in your most intimate area - try our CBD infused libido oil. As blood flow improves to your delicate flower, feel every gentle touch and stroke…dial up sensation with Bliss Intimate Oil!
Lips so Soft Vulva Balm is formulated to alleviate dryness, irritation, and sensitivity in the vulvar region. It's a perfect addition to your self-care routine, to rescue dry intimate skin. It's always a good day to perform feminine intimate care.
Flora Balancing Gel offers you a simple solution for supporting a clean and fresh feeling down there. This silky, odorless formulation can work with your own microbiome to assist in balancing and helping to keep you feeling fresh and confident. The active gel contains vegan lactic acid and prebiotics from chicory root that can help maintain a healthy, balanced vaginal flora.
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